Day 13: The Battle Is With Myself

Day 13 was not the day I expected it to be.

I didn't study today. Not at all.

And this was the second day in a row.

Two Perspectives, Both True

That immediately brought a familiar feeling with it — the feeling that I'm wasting my time. If I look at today purely through the lens of my job search, especially with an interview coming up on Monday, then yes, I could have done better.

But when I stepped back and looked at the day differently, I realized I had spent time learning about business, value creation, selling, and how to improve the way I think. So maybe the day wasn't completely wasted.

It's a perspective game.

The problem is that both perspectives can be true.

I could have prepared better for my interview and I could have learned something valuable for the person I want to become.

That conflict has been on my mind a lot lately.

Every day, I make promises to myself about what I'm going to accomplish. And when I don't keep them, I end up pushing myself into a place where I don't feel good. So instead of simply ignoring that feeling, I'm trying to understand where it comes from.

Even the dream I had this morning felt connected to that conflict — two sides, two families, and me trying to protect and carry something from one side to another. Maybe that's how my mind currently feels: constantly trying to reconcile different versions of myself.

Who Am I Competing With?

For a long time, I compared myself with the child I used to be — the kid who wanted to leave his hometown, explore the world, and build something for himself.

But I've already done many of those things.

So who am I competing with now?

I've decided that the comparison needs to change.

Instead of comparing myself with who I was as a child, I'll compare myself with who I was seven or eight years ago and ask a much simpler question:

Have I grown? And can I grow further?

That's probably a healthier way to measure this journey.

What Does 100% Actually Mean?

Of course, the job search still matters. I have goals that I'm behind on — roughly 25 coding questions and a couple of design questions. I now have about 36 hours to see how much of that I can realistically complete.

But there's another question hidden inside that goal:

What does giving 100% actually mean?

Is it rushing through 25 questions just to hit a number?

Or is it sitting with fewer questions and genuinely giving each one my best effort?

I'm still figuring that out.

The Real Fight

And maybe that's the larger purpose behind documenting this journey.

Yes, I'm trying to find a job.

But I'm also trying to understand the conflict between the person I am and the person I want to become.

Every phase of life comes with its own challenges. Right now, this is mine.

And perhaps the job is not the hardest thing I'm trying to achieve.

The harder thing is winning the battle with myself.

Because ultimately, the fight isn't between me and somebody else. It's between me and myself.

If I win one battle, I shouldn't get carried away. If I lose one, I shouldn't lose hope.

The war is still going on.